I was so glad my last day as a contractual agent ended on the 30th of December. I had to distract myself from Christmas. I don't mind a call beeping in my ear endlessly. I just have to manage to get through the day, not thinking that it'll be the first after seven years that I'm "single".
I was more excited about the New Year though. It was symbolic for me. I had to be with family, watch the fireworks by the terrace. Breathe the smoke. I actually felt... cleansed. It signaled a new beginning for me. I wanted a new me. I had to change a lot of things. I deemed myself a lot wiser after what I went through.
I told myself... I am going to steer away from the gay lifestyle for a full three months. That would mean:
I have to give up opening and maintaining my gay profiles online
I would have to avoid logging in to gay chatrooms
I would have to dismiss all my regular and future fuckbuddies no matter how much fun we had
I'll never step inside another bathhouse
No sexcapades at the gym wet areas, the spas, all other places where I get wet and half naked
Yes, I won't pick up and get picked up at the bar
To all this, I have to endure and dismiss as much as I can for a full three months. Goodluck.
So why do it? I did manage to be HIV negative for a full year after 3 tests, 3-4 months in between, 60+ guys after. Why deprive the "tops" of the mind blowing foreplay? Why starve myself from foreplay? I happen to love blowjobs. A lot.
Because. I'm sick and tired of it.
I happen to meet quite a handful of interesting guys. Guys whom I could've kept as long term friends. Some of which, are highly talented and intelligent! Skillful and well endowed in bed. Damn. Who's gonna take care of them now? LOL
Ok. I used to think the main reason my ex left me because I was unattractive. Sixty guys after, I think thats more than enough reason to prove otherwise. But where did it get me? Not that far at all.
I really despise it when they "court and propose" after the dirty deed. Nasarapan ka lang, shotain mo na ako? Nobody owns me. I'm available for public consumption hell do I care.
Did I just say I was sick and tired of it?
I remember a line from the movie "Boy Culture" hmmmm.... not the exact words but goes something like:
You work out to get fit - You spend so much on products and supplements - You hit the club scene, hit on another hot dude - You get laid, best sex to date - You trade numbers - He never calls back anyway... and then you head back to the gym.
I, for one have a voracious sexual appetite. In as much as I tried "weaning" myself from man-candy, it always finds it's way to me. This is going to be difficult. I have to find other means of using up my excess energies somehow, well, other than the gym of course?
Vegetarians have better sex. I tried it for a month, worked wonders. Now I have to stay vegetarian and NOT have sex!
I keep asking myself what'll be the point of all this? Self preservation perhaps. I don't wanna be tagged as someone who already slept with half of the QC population and later miss the chance of meeting Mr Right... because I bent forward too soon.
I will keep writing about it. I have to find an outlet. It would be better though if someone watches over me. I know I don't have readers yet... but there will be, eventually?