I haven't written much recently for I fear I might pour out too much negativity in my output. In as much as I really want to meet up with friends and talk about it, I chose to distance myself a little bit, perhaps I can try to sort out things on my own.
I feel like almost everything I run into, gets hurt destroyed or damaged in one way or another.
I only got one job and my online business isn't doing as well as before. I actually lost about 75% of my clients and thus affecting my sales, because of certain news features.
A single text from Mark made me lose focus on whatever I intended to do for that day so I decided to sulk in bed and sleep on it.
I am careful most of the time, but for the past 24 hours I already accidentally stepped on two people's feet. It's embarrassing that I have to say as many "sorry's" while they're writhing in pain.
Twice have I resorted to alcohol just to shake it off and probably get a goodnight's sleep.
Two. People have I met through my blog. First one, didn't turn out very well.
Double. Me. Well, not exactly. I made up an "imaginary boyfriend" and used an extra sim that I have to text Mark and probe as to why he had to get in touch with me. He said it's got something to do with the remaining stuff I had at the condo. I don't intend to get them anymore. He'll be the one to decide how to get rid of them. Hope that'll be the last time I hear from him. Ever.
Twice have I gotten sick over a month's time with only two weeks in between and I am still coughing just as bad until now. My sister even told me I sound like my father when I cough and I noticed that myself. I never smoked at all.
Two. People whom I really really really really really really miss a lot. David and Jason :'(
It's already my third month within the company and I still have yet to prove that I can "do" outbound sales. I did happen to get lucky last week to hit my goal for three days so I got to take home a few goodies.
Thrice have I called in sick. Well, only once did I really feel ill enough to come to work. The other two, I just didn't feel like it? I know. Attitude. But I just don't see myself coming to work at all. I'm aware of the consequences. I love the people I work with. It's me who has these "issues".
Three months time. I'll be turning 27 soon. Not sure how I want my celebration? And I'll be missing two people again :'(
And when I thought I had everything planned out. I get distracted in the middle of it, trying to juggle everything, or lose all of it altogether ?!
Something I can't afford to happen. It shouldn't happen if I could help it.
I wish I was just dreaming. I have to deal with this soon. Real soon.
Mahigit isang buwan na hindi ko nakakausap ang dalawa sa dating mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko, si Jason at si David. Ang pinaka ayaw ko kasi sa lahat, yung iiwan ako sa ere. Iiwanan na lang ako basta. Ni hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit? Hindi na nga kami nagkikita, hindi pa ganun kadalas mag usap?
Hindi ko maintindihan... kaibigan kita eh? Dapat ako mas nakakakilala sa iyo? O gusto kong maging kaibigan mo, pero ikaw itong lalayo, babalik tapus "ibang tao" ka na o sasabihin sa akin na "hindi na ako yung taong gusto mo dati".
Hindi ko pa nga kilala yung dati, nag mutate ka na, pinangunahan mo na ako agad na di talaga kita magugustuhan?
Eh di sige.
Wag na lang.
Pwede namang wala na lang.
May sarili na rin naman akong mga drama, ayaw ko na sumahod ng extra pa.
Sumuko na rin sa akin si Tiddy Burr. Nagpakita ako sa kanya, sandali lang naman. Papunta kasi ako ng gym malapit sa office niya. I was having a good day rin naman. Kumain kami ng pancakes sandali.
Pero iba talaga attitude niya eh?
Sinasabi lang niya sa akin na gusto niya ako, pero di ko naman nakikita yung effort na magustuhan ko siya. Hindi naman dapat problema na mas bata siya, na mas matangkad ako, na mas malaki rin katawan (o sige na borta bottom).
Nahihirapan na ako magtiwala sa mga tao ngayun.
Mejo nag iiba na rin tuloy ang attitude ko. Kung kailangan kita, saka lang, pag nakuha ko na gusto ko, babalik na ako sa dati kong gawain hanggang dumating siguro yung oras na kailanganin kita ulit o makahanap ako ng "mas" kaysa sa iyo.
So ibig sabihin ba nito...... magpapaka celibate ako ulit? Nah. Sinubukan ko lang, wala naman ako masyadong napala. Mas lapitin ako ng guys for sex invites kesa actual dates. Nobody has ever asked me for a "real date" without expecting a hook up afterwards.
Pinagbubura ko na din yung mga digital documentation ko ng mga bagay na nagpasama ng loob ko dati sa work, sa Facebook, sa mga exes ko, etc.
Nagsisimula na ulit ako bumangon eh? Mas maganda sana kung andun sila sa tabi ko, pero lagi na lang ako umaasa at sa huli... ako pa rin naman mag isa?
Nagbabawas na lang ng sama ng loob. Bawasan din yung mga tao na di naman talaga nakakatulong sa akin. Iwasan yung mga humahatak sa akin pababa.