Saturday, August 1, 2015

These dreams

I am the kind of person who barely remembers dreams. I learned in school then that dreams are somewhat fragments of our subconscious thoughts and realities that arise when we sleep.

The First.

Joms and I once visited his hometown in Nueva Ecija. It was a quaint and peaceful town and probably the only fun I got was riding a rusty old roller coaster from the perya at the time. One night back in Manila, Joms woke up crying. He cried so bad I woke up to see what upset him and he told me of a dream. He said he pictured the time when we did rode the roller coaster and for some reason during one of the last and fastest revolutions, I got thrown out of my seat and my body couldn't be found. He was relieved I was there when he woke up. He said he couldn't imagine his life without me.

The Second.

...then there's You. You whom I haven't really talked about at all in my blog. I have pretty much talked about most of the guys I was in a relationship with and dated except You. 

I still see You in my dreams sometimes. The only last glimpse I saw was when you joined this other blogger's trip to Baguio. I've been there more than 10 times. I am glad you finally took a shot at travelling. I couldn't tell if you were having a good time with your company.

The Third.

I miss Japan. How I wish I could've stayed much longer. I will definitely be back next year if not sooner.

The Fourth.

I couldn't remember if I went to bed upset. In this sequence I was in an argument with Joms. He disappeared for a long time and for some reason I was living comfortably and he suddenly came back.

Joms : "Why didn't you look for me? Did you even try?"

I was unable to provide an answer. 

This time I woke up in tears and felt relieved Joms was just sleeping beside me.

The Fifth.

You see, I haven't been totally honest with You. 

I was actually sleeping around probably during our second to third month and that was when I met Joms.

I wasn't really sure if I was thinking straight at the time. I only liked a single entry from You. I kept it. It was my ideal day. My dream day. You pictured it out so vividly I could almost taste it.

So when the time came when we started chatting via Skype and I've shown you my face I could tell you were pretty much turned on and you were shirtless as well. I asked, no, demanded You to come to my condo unit and fuck me. I was probably very firm for You took a taxi within an hour and we were in between the sheets. You were smaller in height but rather compensated in size. I can still remember carrying you and pinning you to the wall while we kissed and I straddled you like crazy you didn't last very long.

The lust had faded and I am vulnerable. You have a way with words and I was lonely for the longest time. Besides, you painted the best day one could ever have. Just like that we became a couple without much after thought. I haven't really gotten to know each other. I was much older as well. I decided to try it out anyway.

First few days were fun. You told me people at work and his family suddenly saw the change in his aura. He was happy. I was happy. For a time that is. I still had to convince myself someone so small and frail could possibly keep up with me.

Then one small thing ticked me off.

At the heat of the moment You asked me to "bottom" him. I know. Am I not the legendary power bottom and now I have to relinquish my crown? I didn't mind at the time. I sometimes ask when I feel like it but it is almost rare when I do. I did my part. You seemed to have changed from being the small but rough top to the frail and dainty bottom... I felt powerful.

After tryst, You got up, went through my pile of clothes and picked up a long sleeved shirt of mine and put it on. 

"I've always dreamed of wearing a boyfriend shirt...."

at that moment, I died.

There can't be two princesses in my castle. I made a mistake.

I had to recharge my bottom prowess. I had to find more dominant tops to reassure myself. It was convenient. I own the place. I dictated the time when we could meet. My rules.

... one of the guys I was fooling around was Joms, who happened to live just a few blocks away. How convenient. He seemed to be the perfect top. He also expressed genuine interest in something more than fuck buddies and we started dating as well.

I reduced the days with You until eventually he got the idea I was no longer interested. It seemed Joms would be a more practical choice. Someone who could keep up with me. I needed more brawn and muscle and the sexual appetite of a genuine top.

I planned on how to break up with You.

And just when I thought I could make things seamless. I tried to ensure that neither one would know the other, they did...

It was customary to write on the lobby guard log book before entering the premises. I've invited You to tell it to him in person. I asked him to come in the first day in the morning of my day off. I can tell he was expecting it. He couldn't do anything. I stopped wanting him.

I just gave a lame alibi. It didn't change the fact I also felt differently between us now. I had to end things sooner or later.

Later that night, I asked Joms to come and visit. He cleverly befriended the guards they seem to make them think he already lives with me here. However, at that time he decided to check the logbook that day. 

I had a visitor.

He knocked on my door in tears wanting to understand why I had a visitor and I promised to not invite strangers anymore.

Now I had to tell the truth about You.

I was free now. Joms and I worked on getting to know each other better.


July 28th, almost a month after discovering about a certain Patrick. I was ambivalent whether Joms and I should still celebrate our usual monthsary.

Seth :  "I don't know if we should. I wonder if there is another date you had in mind, something related to your memories with Patrick that I didn't know of. Things seemed to go back to normal but every once in a while I never relaxed. Maybe we just managed to survive. No reason to spend a fortune on a lunch buffet." 

Joms :  "Weren't you genuinely happy these past few weeks? I made you laugh and smile didn't I? Were you only half hearted then?"

Seth :  "Perhaps. I am still unsure how to think about it. I just take things one day at a time. It still crosses my mind."


The Sixth.

I woke up from a dream now with clarity in mind. I finally knew what I wanted.

I was drawn back in time and in my dream, I was unable to manage and prevent Joms and You from learning about one another and meeting each other. It was messed up. Messy messy messy. I had to explain one lie after another as it had gotten so complicated.

In the end however, I didn't end up with either of them. The future changed.

I wondered what it might be like if I never stayed with Joms? I might be in a completely different person. I might be in another job in yet another company. I might not have been able to have dogs at all?

I couldn't handle the drama and I woke up. This time I wasn't crying.

I opened my eyes and Joms was sleeping beside me. I told him about the dream. I told him I finally made up my mind.

Despite what happened, I want to make it work. It will be hard to forget but then it would also be harder to go back into the dating scene. I'd rather not go through that kind of shit again.

I did make it very clear though.

I find it unacceptable that I shared my history and then he'd give me his version of it and hurt me. I understand he may not have as much experience in gay relationships as I do. I wouldn't want to see the same treatment, the same sweet nothings being said to another person other than me.

"Sa susunod na may mahuli pa akong ibang guy... ibuburol kayung naka couple outfit."

And I haven't dreamed ever since.