Friday, February 4, 2011
Lesson from a Ladybug
I have to admit I felt saddened when I saw Mark at the spa last night. I didn't lose sleep over it, but this morning, I sublimated whatever negative emotions I had by exercising for two full hours just to shake it off.
It has been ten months since we broke up and got kicked out of our condo. I have learned to love my small room in Cubao, which, for some time, I turned into some sort of a sex den to celebrate my singlehood.
I wasn't ready to see him.
This is the guy whom I spent seven years of my life with. The guy who gave me joy and tears. The guy who saw me rise and brought me down as well.
Seven birthdays, seven Christmases, seven New years, countless dinners, several out of town trips, even his father's funeral to which we worked together.
It is not that easy to simply put that past aside.
I had mixed emotions when I saw him. He still looked good. He always does. He even brags that it is "God given". Even when he's tired or sick or even when he's in pain. He still looks good. I really do miss waking up next to him, watching him sleep, running my fingers in his hair and face. I'd be so overwhelmed that this guy, saves other people's friends and family in the expense of being with his own friends and family... and he comes home to me every day, and I take care of him, so I give him a small kiss and whisper "I love you".
I almost walked up to him, say hi, smile, give him a hug, maybe sit down for a few minutes and catch up a little bit... but no.
I also felt appalled and angry. Here is the same person who kicked me out of the house because I cheated on him, though I have tried to confront him several times and he never admitted to anything until I found we had one guy in common. This is the same guy who made it excruciatingly difficult for me to move my stuff, gave me a week to find a new place to stay, wouldn't allow my friend to stay in the hallway, and even wrote a memo to the condo security regarding my entry to the premises.
You are evicted. You are out of my life. Get out.
I'm not sure if he did notice me. Wensha, is one of his playgrounds. I wouldn't want to stay much longer than needed and see him checking out the guys at the wet area or much more to see him with strangers (but then I thought I can pretty much do that in his face too?).
I went home afterwards. It won't be worth it.
I treated myself to a Subway sandwich after working out. I'm celebrating because I lost four pounds of fat and replaced it with solid muscle, just in time for Boracay and Palawan this March :)
Halfway through my sandwich, I found a ladybug crawling on the table. I picked it up and played with it. I wasn't really expecting to find one inside the mall, but it did manage to get in. It almost felt like company.
It was bright red and I just remembered the Chinese New year... would this be good luck? hehehe.
I placed the ladybug on my finger and with it's usual behavior, it would continue walking a straight line until it eventually finds the end. I made sure it didn't. I kept putting my fingers together as if placing the little bug on a treadmill.
He's not going anywhere. Not if i could help it.
... then I remembered last night.
I am out of the relationship. Ten months I got my own life back. I don't have to plan my life around him ever again. I'm calling the shots once more! I get to do things because I want to, and not to please him or anybody to regain my self worth.
I know my worth.
When this struck me, it was already too late, the ladybug already made it to the tip of my finger... and it flew away.
...I told myself, I can continue wallowing in the past and keep torturing myself, or I could do just that!
I was relieved.
I watched where the ladybug would land. I read somewhere that if it lands on a person, you might meet him/her soon...
It landed on a guy (Thank God) wearing a purple shirt. Cute. He must've noticed I was staring and he smiled. I smiled back.
It's a fine day after all.