Fighting my Demons

Quiet, would be an understatement. I have been literally trying to live under a rock for the past few months trying to focus as much as I can in performing well at work and aiming for that promotion. I am finally regularized in the company, with an excellent scorecard and attendance for February, everything should be running smoothly now... me thinks.


I have also tried several things to unclutter my life. 


1. Trim down my Facebook friends; avoid all friends' dramas from showing on my wall; clear my inbox; and oh, I hate that Timeline thing that you can never revert back.


2. Deleted all gay profiles, even the dummy ones. Seriously. So 18k views in a year + 60 or so raunchy comments from guys I slept with... I think it's time to give up the crown.


3. I finally stopped hoarding clothes and plushies which only collect dust and molds in the room. Some of them, I haven't even taken out of the plastic. I already gave away 25% of the stuff in my closet to charities and relief operations. 


4. I finally stopped hoarding products (e.g facial washes, body washes, lotions) and actually used them. One at a time. I noticed my skin wasn't as moist as it used to be since I changed products almost on a daily basis.


5. I chose to maintain only two numbers, one of which is only for business, but the other I don't load as often as I used to. In addition, I won't be buying a new celfone anytime soon.


6. I stopped hoarding pens and noteboooks, and actually started writing on them? Perhaps the desk calendar was the best stationery I invested. I can see on a daily basis how much I have accomplished, what is the nearest date I should look forward to etc.


7. I stopped hoarding food. I only buy what I can finish within 2-3 days and I do try to eat healthier now. 


8. I clean up more often. My room is spotless on most days. Gone is the clutter of clothes on the floor (and I actually know now where to find my stuff)


9. I have practiced on keeping my mouth shut. Though I am still quite prone to sudden bursts due to stress, there is nothing more stressful than damage control over something you have said or done which wasn't well thought of...


10. I have started to love myself more...

We will talk soon

It crushes me to think that you're punishing yourself for all this

and it's not even your fault.

We started off in a whirlwind. Jumped into romance.

I became ill.

Strike two for me.

It had been a part of my past.

I wouldn't want to get you further involved.

Let me deal with this.

Maybe I wasn't really ready for you?

I'm sorry for taking you with my mess.

Me and my messy room and sink.

Thinking out loud #5: Nakakabakla ang Facebook.

IKR.

Thinking out loud #4: Bakit lie low yata mga Bloggers for the past month?

Si Mugen lang nakikita kong masipag magsulat?

Thinking out loud #3: Mauupuan

Bakit kapag sa jeep, uupo ang mga tao kung saan may bakante.

Kapag nasa MRT, lahat gusto nasa may bandang pintuan?

Doon nagsisiksikan maluwang naman sa gitna.

Hmmmm....

Damn I miss my blog.


Even though I keep it open just to listen to the virtual chime, I haven't really thought about what to write all this time? I'm thankful enough though that I do manage to get at least 20 views in a day despite being idle.


So I have been keeping myself busy with work all this time. It's slowly getting into me, my shift changes almost daily with only 15 - 30 minutes increments and yet I have diligently maintained perfect attendance for a full month... Until yesterday that I got soooo tired I slept 5 minutes in excess of my lunch break because I took a nap. 


Farewell 2500. *sigh*


I'm enjoying my new company though. There are always jerks and assholes but I don't mind as long as I deal with them only in chat. I would've dealt with them otherwise if we were on the same floor. I've never been this focused before. I know what I want. I will get promoted. Soon.


Silently, I have been trying to observe and read through blogs and I'm starting to think that at my age, what am I really supposed to be getting myself into?


I just turned 27 this year.


Much of my focus lies on one thing: a stable job. That'll be enough to finance every other endeavor that I'll have in the future.


I have a room to furnish.


I have to invest in products. Beauty/vanity products to maintain whatever remaining trace of youth I have in my skin. Sunscreen is my best friend. I often squirm whenever I see people in public with dull, dark, coarse, leathery, sagging skin. I don't want to end up like that if I could help it. I'm now a bit paranoid about lines forming at the side of my eyes, eye bags, and more importantly, my neck. I don't want it to drop and sag like a chicken's.


*chills*


I wish to travel. I kinda envy a few bloggers who manage to work or migrate abroad. I feel like I owe it to myself I'm equally brilliant and I should manage to at least tell myself "been there".


Maybe I should revamp my wardrobe. I have to start to learn dressing up like a true adult. Shirts, slacks, a tie, leather shoes. No more loud, bright and cartoon statement tees. I have far too many sneakers already.


I have to avoid people who give me undue stress. 


No more trash talking failed dates. Hurl more insults, well, I still have a few cards but I'll keep them to myself.  We might as well co-exist in our own bubble of fantasy and be thankful we never ended up serious. We can't be friends. The feeling wasn't mutual.


No more "what ifs" with guys whom I used to consider as "the one who got away". Gone. Bye. Thanks for the memories. Never worked before perhaps it wasn't meant to be.


No more people with self perpetuating dramas and self inflicting pain. I won't try to save you at all. 


By doing so, life feels a little more... lighter. I don't need to carry excess baggage. Skin products are expensive mind you.


Maybe I should stop buying gadgets too? An iMac G6 should be my final investment for the next 2-3 years. I should give my iPod, PSP, celfones the run for their money. I don't need a tablet at all.






(thought stops here... will resume later...)

Hold.

These past couple of days have been really taxing on me so when my day off finally came, I shut myself off from everybody else, even hubby. I tried to release as much negative tension as I can by playing hours of Tekken (hahaha) and then ate at Chef de Angelo for a healthy/tasty buffet. Before the rain started to heavily pour, I went home, showered and went to sleep. Turned off all the phones. No music either, just the sound of my "chime" on my blog's main page. LOL


Sleep at night. 10 hours straight ^^


I need to spend time with family. I've been missing working out too? I haven't broken a sweat for the past two weeks and my skin feels different. Thanks to fruit juices and garlic, I managed not to be sick until now.


My new job, well, doesn't really pay as much? What's the use of having a large sum for basic when there's basically zero allowances and everything becomes taxable and leaves less money in your pocket. So why put up with it at all? Mainly because this might be the only company, the only account, the one thing I have a small advantage for, that I can finally get promoted. I'm 27, a licensed nurse, yet until now I don't have a stable career. I do know what I want. I just find it difficult to keep up with the competition when I got too many things to think about. 


I actually got a checklist for this year:


Travel.
Baguio. Boracay. Palawan. Bataan. check!


Get a job.
Sales. fail.
Tech. hanging on to dear life...


Get certified.
getting there. I just need to squeeze in more time to practice? Quite hard to workout before/after shift when you're half dead. LOL


Go to school.
probably my biggest delay to date. I have to stabilize my income and schedule first. I have't even worked on my credentials just yet. Hang in there UP Manila.




I know everything will turn out alright. I just need to stay a little more focused, rest, relaxed, try not to get sick. ^^

i know you miss me. 

i just need a little time off for myself.

i can see your efforts to cheer me up and all.

i know what i'm doing.

you know i love you!

i just need to handle my stress, alone, alright?

i'll see you next week ok?