Skater boy. Part 2

"Let's pretend we don't know each other anymore".


I've gotten so close to him, known his family, shared certain events, teamed up in contests/competitions, and he expects me to simply whisk that away and pretend it never happened.


Perhaps, it was indeed betrayal of trust on his part. I should've told him much sooner. If I did, tell it to his face, would it have been a different story altogether?


It was my first year in UST. I had to get a 2.0 GPA or I'm gonna get kicked out. My parents did save up just to send me to college, and right now I can't focus because of..... boy problems.


"And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head" ... pardon me for bursting into song.


I was lanky back then. In as much as I want to pick a fight with him I'm sure I won't last 5 minutes. 


My respite came when Biology class came...

*devilish grin*  I'm gonna enjoy this.


First thing I did... was to name my frog. Oh take a wild guess please?


Scissors, pins, and a scalpel. Too bad the specimen was already soaked in Formalin when it was handed to us.


How I loved skinning him clean, cutting him open, piercing the heart with a red pin. I did utter some sort of curse and my classmates were already weirded about me "smiling" as I work.


So much about kissing "frogs"


Damn overrated.

Oooooh I'm gonna die.

Nilalagnat na ako.


Nanginginig na kamay ko.


I NEED MY ORGASMS TO FUNCTION PROPERLY ?!!!


Dump the diet. Screw it !!!

I'm sure this is goin' straight to my ass. 


Kaya nga may gym eh?

Distraction

I've been hearing so much about this "Maic's Gym" in Marikina that had soooo many hot guys most of which are commercial models so my buddies invited me there for a "trial" work out.

I, for one, don't use machines much. I lift free weights but that's about it. The reason I enrolled in Fitness First is because I liked the group classes.

Everything is pretty much ok. Good ventilation aka no airconditioning. Para nga naman pawisan ka nang husto. It helps. Nilalamok nga lang ako? hehehe Quite a handful of goodlooking guys. Not drop dead gorgeous though. We went there around 7pm because according to them, that's the time where "they all come out".

The people look damn serious though. Some even wearing a sauna suit while on the treadmill. Some guys check their muscles almost after every single set (showoff! pffft!)

... and just when I thought my buddies were just as serious with their routines, I noticed they were busy fumbling through their iTouch.... Aha!? Blow me down....err...right. I just learned about Grindr

How convenient. Gay profiles made mobile!? And it gives you an idea of the distance of each guy, an estimate as how proximate they are. Clever indeed.

Given the "status quo" of owning Mac gadgets (at least in the Philippine setting), well one can conclude that the crowd is a little more, ehem, upscale.

Hay! Of all the times I had to be broke and "chaste".

I rowed the hell out of my frustration. *sigh*

Skater boy. Meet Fed

*Ewan ko ba. Patay na patay ako sa kanya nun ala "Richard Gutierrez" ang tingin ko sa kanya. Dati yun.

Fed, as everybody fondly calls him, isn't exactly the best looking guy on campus. Intelligent and talented, though not exceptional. He fancied band music, skateboarding, etc. He was simple and that was what I liked about him being this "nice guy" to have around.

I only noticed him during our Junior year and barely had a chance to get to know him for he was in a different section. An opportunity arose for the auditions for the COCC ^^. My father, had this dream of me becoming a soldier (LOL) so it was like achieving two things at once. Be with Fed, please my father. So once a week, every after school I had the chance to interact with him during auditions.

Cheesy, but for some reason we paired up during the "initiation" and was blind folded. I remember we were even mocked "to kiss" (LOL). I barely moved of course. The most disgusting part was that we had to collect spit in a cup and were made to believe we had to "drink" it later on.

Moving on, I got a higher rank ^^

The senior year was a lot better (for me) for we finally became classmates. ^^ Things got a little "complicated" when this new girl, Crystal came in and I was the first to meet her at the gate.

Long story short. I liked Fed, Fed liked Crystal, I can't have Fed, so I slowly nudged the idea to Crystal to go out with him. She also had girlfriend, Margaret, whom she "paired" up with me. (I used to cry over what I had to do but now it's just funny).

So they became a couple. I was the common friend. I just wanted to see them happy.

(so they have confirmed they weren't officially a couple, fine. I was bitter and hurt back then over the idea LOL)

We were in our final year and graduating. College was also an issue. I wanted to be with Fed longer if possible. When I heard he was enrolling at Mapua, I signed up as well though I really had no inclination to computers and engineering AT ALL. Fortunately, I passed the examination in UST and it was far more difficult and my course was "prestigious" at the time. I didn't pursue Mapua.

I wanted to spend as much time as I can with Fed. Made it a point to get a copy of his graduation pic, to actually stand next to him on the batch photo, to be there on his birthday celebration at KFC, the concert at PSBA etc etc etc. I remember we were also the only two guys who "passed" an aptitude test in our class. I even kept quiz papers he corrected, or his quiz paper if I could steal it (LOL). We even teamed up in composing our entry for the graduation song.

I used to always make it a point to sit next to him during the First Friday mass so I'd get the chance to hold his hand even for a few minutes during the Our Father song (style!?). The closest thing Fed and I had to a "date" was when we shared goto (congee? porridge? ^^) near computer shop across the school. I once embarrassed myself when I blushed in class when I thought of him.

Fed may never realized it but I had respect for him even if I had the chance to take advantage of him but the fact that I never told him the truth about how I felt towards him was seen as betrayal.

Mobile phones were becoming popular back then and I heard that "business cards" were an anonymous way of sending messages (or so I thought) so I realized it was my chance to tell him how I feel and it didn't matter to me if he knew whom it was from. I just had to say it.

Long story short. He was using a different phone model. The business card thing only works for Nokia. WTF

I heard he was "traumatized". A friend even told me they made fun of my photo back then during the Christmas get together (and of course I wasn't invited). I was hurt tenfold. Roi (common friend), took this as a chance to do his mischief and "avenge" Fed so he vandalized a bus to write my number for sexually themed ads (FYI, as of now, I don't need your help anymore hehehe).

I had one last phone call to speak with Fed, and he told me "Let's pretend we don't know each other anymore". Take tenfold pain multiplied by ten. I had nothing to say but sorry, though to me, I don't think I have done him wrong for I was genuinely sincere towards him.

*to be continued....

On crushes.

I can't sleep. Right now I'm staying with my folks in Rizal, honoring my mother my rare presence to see me share the dining table once more,  kissing her hand when she arrives from work, asking what goodies she got along the way, tucking me into bed to make sure my feet aren't cold. Yeah, I'm the eldest and 26 years old and she still likes doing such stuff for me when she gets the chance ^^

Aaaaaanyway, I would've stayed longer here if I could. It actually deters me from boys. Why? I don't know that many people here at all. I seldom go out of the house and mingle. Why? My father finds it quite embarrassing that I'm "gay", but that's another story.  I don't even know what our neighbor's name is? I just know them by face. I used to dislike Rizal though especially when I was younger. I didn't know that many boys whom I find goodlooking and much more to find boys who also likes boys? LOL

There did used to be a time when I actually had "wholesome" thoughts about boys and having, ehem, crushes. 

It didn't matter to me back then if I could get a chance to stare at the bulge in their shorts/pants, wondering about stuff like:

does he have a bigger dick or bigger balls?

mas malaki kaya yung ulo kesa sa shaft?

does he trim or shave? does he have a treasure trail?

maugat kaya?

sana mabango?

sana matagal siyang labasan. LOL

Everything was simple back then. I was invisible at most. Watching them grace my day was enough even for a glance. Passing by in front of me would be enough to make me blush. That's it. Only when I find a secure spot would I jump and be bouncing off the walls in delight and, ehem, squeal. LOL

So you're probably thinking by now : "Yeah right. Sixty guys plus guys (documented) in 2010 alone..."

But the thing is... if I really really really like a person. I don't imagine myself getting naked with them at all.

I'm just a silent witness of your life. I notice the small changes. I share your triumphs and downfalls even if I'm just at a distance.

Sure there are plenty of goodlooking guys. Choose a spot at Gateway, especially after a DLSU and Ateneo game and you're sure to have a treat ^^

So I decided... for the next couple of days maybe I should talk about my "favorite" crushes. Hihihi

I'll include pics of course para makarelate naman readers ko :)

To talk about boys na di masyadong bastos..... ehehehe

*drafting*

first failure

Damn. I'm so rupok.


I know. I know. I DID promise it. I tried to work it out. 


I failed.


Last sex I had was on the 24th of December. I told myself, ok, that'll be the last... The sooner I start, the better since I was going to be on a three month streak.


I tried reading books. Kept me distracted a while.


I tried working on my Tekken skills, saying to myself, "I'm gonna crush and punish all 40 characters using Lili and Lili alone!?"


The regular gym schedule resumed, I tried to go back to my usual cardio routine, 2-3 hours a day, for 4-5x a week.


At the end of the day, six rounds of masturbation later, I'm still frickin' horny.


I can't stand it!? I'm a bottom guy!? My pleasure spot isn't in my dong !!! There are parts of my body that feels good and I can't reach it alone!


So... I gave in to the voices in my pants... I logged on to PR and not too long I'm already sharing the bed with two guys.


*sigh*


Try again. 


Withdrawal.

Is chastity for me?

I was so glad my last day as a contractual agent ended on the 30th of December. I had to distract myself from Christmas. I don't mind a call beeping in my ear endlessly. I just have to manage to get through the day, not thinking that it'll be the first after seven years that I'm "single".

I was more excited about the New Year though. It was symbolic for me. I had to be with family, watch the fireworks by the terrace. Breathe the smoke. I actually felt... cleansed. It signaled a new beginning for me. I wanted a new me. I had to change a lot of things. I deemed myself a lot wiser after what I went through.

I told myself... I am going to steer away from the gay lifestyle for a full three months. That would mean:

I have to give up opening and maintaining my gay profiles online

I would have to avoid logging in to gay chatrooms

I would have to dismiss all my regular and future fuckbuddies no matter how much fun we had

I'll never step inside another bathhouse

No sexcapades at the gym wet areas, the spas, all other places where I get wet and half naked

Yes, I won't pick up and get picked up at the bar

To all this, I have to endure and dismiss as much as I can for a full three months. Goodluck.

So why do it? I did manage to be HIV negative for a full year after 3 tests, 3-4 months in between, 60+ guys after. Why deprive the "tops" of the mind blowing foreplay? Why starve myself from foreplay? I happen to love blowjobs. A lot.

Because. I'm sick and tired of it.

I happen to meet quite a handful of interesting guys. Guys whom I could've kept as long term friends. Some of which, are highly talented and intelligent! Skillful and well endowed in bed. Damn. Who's gonna take care of them now? LOL

Ok. I used to think the main reason my ex left me because I was unattractive. Sixty guys after, I think thats more than enough reason to prove otherwise. But where did it get me? Not that far at all.

I really despise it when they "court and propose" after the dirty deed. Nasarapan ka lang, shotain mo na ako? Nobody owns me. I'm available for public consumption hell do I care.

Did I just say I was sick and tired of it?

I remember a line from the movie "Boy Culture" hmmmm.... not the exact words but goes something like:

You work out to get fit - You spend so much on products and supplements - You hit the club scene, hit on another hot dude - You get laid, best sex to date - You trade numbers - He never calls back anyway... and then you head back to the gym.

I, for one have a voracious sexual appetite. In as much as I tried "weaning" myself from man-candy, it always finds it's way to me. This is going to be difficult. I have to find other means of using up my excess energies somehow, well, other than the gym of course?

Vegetarians have better sex. I tried it for a month, worked wonders. Now I have to stay vegetarian and NOT have sex!

I keep asking myself what'll be the point of all this? Self preservation perhaps. I don't wanna be tagged as someone who already slept with half of the QC population and later miss the chance of meeting Mr Right... because I bent forward too soon.

I will keep writing about it. I have to find an outlet. It would be better though if someone watches over me. I know I don't have readers yet... but there will be, eventually?

Right?

Hope so.