Iloilo

He spoke about it before with a sparkle in his eye and it never waned. I know he wanted it. Badly.


The company will be expanding in the southern city and being a member of the training department will eventually require expansion and/or relocation.

My condition was very simple. If you go there, we'll break up. Period.

I am not being a jerk. I know what it would mean to his career. Heck, the place is even a stone throw away from Boracay so you could practically be in party paradise every weekend?

We talked about it before. I even jokingly said, his manager would have to arrange a meeting with me and the dogs. I am keeping the dogs by the way.

But then the real issue would be I am anticipating he will slip sooner or later. I would rather not be complacent with this matter. You know, it did happen recently right under my nose and I thought everything was going smoothly.

So I said to him, while still in bed:

"I am going to tell you how I think... I don't really wish to hamper your career growth. I know it will be exciting to pioneer something in a new place. But then, place into perspective ... the Patrick incident.

At a time when,
I thought all is well
We made love every now and then
We eat and sleep together
I kiss you when I leave and arrive from work
We go out on weekends

... and then a Patrick was hidden all along in between those times we were together.

So how can I be so sure this time that I would be miles away?

I'm sure you'll be meeting someone there. You will have needs. We can't afford flying to and from Manila every weekend, that would be quite exhausting as well."

Joms only replied: "I understand and I thought you already trusted me."


He got up from bed and prepped for work.


I never replied to that but in my head "I would rather not risk it. You haven't been to that kind of situation for me to have confidence you can endure. Besides, this is your first time in a same sex relationship, the longest even to date."


I have seen myself miserable before.

I have seen myself breakdown in sorrow and disappointment.

Why take a risk of getting hurt again when I can just let go now?




Self preservation.





I managed to be alone before. I can do it again. I would rather not be miserable and hurting.

Bury the hatchet

It was supposed to be just a normal shift at work and my Facebook stays open through my phone...

... until one peculiar notification...

"Mark followed you at 10:01 PM"

WTF. Anu na naming kalokohan ito!? Teka meron bang something special sa September 15? Parang wala naman... ah yeah. Reference nga pala naming ang 15th bilang "monthsary." First time din naming ginawa sa kwarto ko noon sa Cainta nung 19th birthday ko.

Oh well.

Sakto, online din ang true friend nyang si Gladys. Chinat ko.

Seth: finollow ako ni Mark sa Facebook. Anu meron? hehehe. Nakaprivate naman profile ko, wala siyang makikitang posts or pictures unless nakapublic. Kamusta na sya ngayun?

Gladys: Ha? Uy bago yan ah. No idea din ako why. Wala naman siyang nabanggit sakin. Busy sa duty nya bilang Anes. Kamusta ka? One month na lang... Happy Birthday to you na !!!

Seth: I knerr hihihi. Teka, bakit bigla nya akong naisip? Ilang beses na kami nagkasalubong sa Wensha na kasama ko bf ko now. Lagi naman siyang mag-isa. Tanguan lang. Di naman kami nag-uusap. hehehe

Gladys: Ay na mention nya sakin yon. Maybe nasagi ka sa isip nya...

Seth: kesheh? Are we ready to be friends again? (after 6 years) Echos!

Gladys: Maybe that's why... at least masave ang friendship...

Seth: Hmmm... whatevs. I-add ko na ba si kuya? Mukha siyang malungkot actually everytime nagkikita kami. I was kinda hoping nakahanap na siya ng bago by now.


to be continued...

These dreams

I am the kind of person who barely remembers dreams. I learned in school then that dreams are somewhat fragments of our subconscious thoughts and realities that arise when we sleep.

The First.

Joms and I once visited his hometown in Nueva Ecija. It was a quaint and peaceful town and probably the only fun I got was riding a rusty old roller coaster from the perya at the time. One night back in Manila, Joms woke up crying. He cried so bad I woke up to see what upset him and he told me of a dream. He said he pictured the time when we did rode the roller coaster and for some reason during one of the last and fastest revolutions, I got thrown out of my seat and my body couldn't be found. He was relieved I was there when he woke up. He said he couldn't imagine his life without me.

The Second.

...then there's You. You whom I haven't really talked about at all in my blog. I have pretty much talked about most of the guys I was in a relationship with and dated except You. 

I still see You in my dreams sometimes. The only last glimpse I saw was when you joined this other blogger's trip to Baguio. I've been there more than 10 times. I am glad you finally took a shot at travelling. I couldn't tell if you were having a good time with your company.

The Third.

I miss Japan. How I wish I could've stayed much longer. I will definitely be back next year if not sooner.

The Fourth.

I couldn't remember if I went to bed upset. In this sequence I was in an argument with Joms. He disappeared for a long time and for some reason I was living comfortably and he suddenly came back.

Joms : "Why didn't you look for me? Did you even try?"

I was unable to provide an answer. 

This time I woke up in tears and felt relieved Joms was just sleeping beside me.


The Fifth.

You see, I haven't been totally honest with You. 

I was actually sleeping around probably during our second to third month and that was when I met Joms.

I wasn't really sure if I was thinking straight at the time. I only liked a single entry from You. I kept it. It was my ideal day. My dream day. You pictured it out so vividly I could almost taste it.

So when the time came when we started chatting via Skype and I've shown you my face I could tell you were pretty much turned on and you were shirtless as well. I asked, no, demanded You to come to my condo unit and fuck me. I was probably very firm for You took a taxi within an hour and we were in between the sheets. You were smaller in height but rather compensated in size. I can still remember carrying you and pinning you to the wall while we kissed and I straddled you like crazy you didn't last very long.

The lust had faded and I am vulnerable. You have a way with words and I was lonely for the longest time. Besides, you painted the best day one could ever have. Just like that we became a couple without much after thought. I haven't really gotten to know each other. I was much older as well. I decided to try it out anyway.

First few days were fun. You told me people at work and his family suddenly saw the change in his aura. He was happy. I was happy. For a time that is. I still had to convince myself someone so small and frail could possibly keep up with me.

Then one small thing ticked me off.

At the heat of the moment You asked me to "bottom" him. I know. Am I not the legendary power bottom and now I have to relinquish my crown? I didn't mind at the time. I sometimes ask when I feel like it but it is almost rare when I do. I did my part. You seemed to have changed from being the small but rough top to the frail and dainty bottom... I felt powerful.

After tryst, You got up, went through my pile of clothes and picked up a long sleeved shirt of mine and put it on. 

"I've always dreamed of wearing a boyfriend shirt...."

at that moment, I died.

There can't be two princesses in my castle. I made a mistake.

I had to recharge my bottom prowess. I had to find more dominant tops to reassure myself. It was convenient. I own the place. I dictated the time when we could meet. My rules.

... one of the guys I was fooling around was Joms, who happened to live just a few blocks away. How convenient. He seemed to be the perfect top. He also expressed genuine interest in something more than fuck buddies and we started dating as well.

I reduced the days with You until eventually he got the idea I was no longer interested. It seemed Joms would be a more practical choice. Someone who could keep up with me. I needed more brawn and muscle and the sexual appetite of a genuine top.

I planned on how to break up with You.

And just when I thought I could make things seamless. I tried to ensure that neither one would know the other, they did...

It was customary to write on the lobby guard log book before entering the premises. I've invited You to tell it to him in person. I asked him to come in the first day in the morning of my day off. I can tell he was expecting it. He couldn't do anything. I stopped wanting him.

I just gave a lame alibi. It didn't change the fact I also felt differently between us now. I had to end things sooner or later.

Later that night, I asked Joms to come and visit. He cleverly befriended the guards they seem to make them think he already lives with me here. However, at that time he decided to check the logbook that day. 

I had a visitor.

He knocked on my door in tears wanting to understand why I had a visitor and I promised to not invite strangers anymore.

Now I had to tell the truth about You.

I was free now. Joms and I worked on getting to know each other better.

***

July 28th, almost a month after discovering about a certain Patrick. I was ambivalent whether Joms and I should still celebrate our usual monthsary.

Seth :  "I don't know if we should. I wonder if there is another date you had in mind, something related to your memories with Patrick that I didn't know of. Things seemed to go back to normal but every once in a while I never relaxed. Maybe we just managed to survive. No reason to spend a fortune on a lunch buffet." 

Joms :  "Weren't you genuinely happy these past few weeks? I made you laugh and smile didn't I? Were you only half hearted then?"

Seth :  "Perhaps. I am still unsure how to think about it. I just take things one day at a time. It still crosses my mind."

***

The Sixth.

I woke up from a dream now with clarity in mind. I finally knew what I wanted.

I was drawn back in time and in my dream, I was unable to manage and prevent Joms and You from learning about one another and meeting each other. It was messed up. Messy messy messy. I had to explain one lie after another as it had gotten so complicated.

In the end however, I didn't end up with either of them. The future changed.

I wondered what it might be like if I never stayed with Joms? I might be in a completely different person. I might be in another job in yet another company. I might not have been able to have dogs at all?

I couldn't handle the drama and I woke up. This time I wasn't crying.

I opened my eyes and Joms was sleeping beside me. I told him about the dream. I told him I finally made up my mind.

Despite what happened, I want to make it work. It will be hard to forget but then it would also be harder to go back into the dating scene. I'd rather not go through that kind of shit again.

I did make it very clear though.

I find it unacceptable that I shared my history and then he'd give me his version of it and hurt me. I understand he may not have as much experience in gay relationships as I do. I wouldn't want to see the same treatment, the same sweet nothings being said to another person other than me.


"Sa susunod na may mahuli pa akong ibang guy... ibuburol kayung naka couple outfit."




And I haven't dreamed ever since.

Walang forever

I have been very quiet these past few months. I have been busy with work primarily and during my free time I would really rather to detach from the world and sleep. Everything just seemed right: the usual stress from commuting and work, spending days with Joms, movies and dining out.

Joms works as a Trainer somewhere in QC. For the last three years that we have been together, I have never really questioned his loyalty. I am very much aware how we started. He was the one who wanted to change what we are and worked hard to prove that he is trustworthy. We worked on that trust part. I spilled all the dirty deeds and secrets together with my hopes and dreams. Here again is my broken heart. Please don't make a burger out of it.

Just when I thought I've done everything right and I am the happiest point in my life compared to all my previous relationships... this happened.

Siguro dapat nilinaw ko talaga muna ang lahat.

Minsan tinanung ko si Joms:


Seth: Bakit mo ako mahal?

Joms: Kasi nagkaron tayu ng spark. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit at ayaw ko na malaman kasi kapag ganun baka magbago isip ko or something.

Tumigil na ako noon.

Honestly I didn't see it coming.

What I did notice was that:

He suddenly became "happier"
There was always a reason to stay longer in the office
He always hanged out with this "Wave" that was the coolest he met (according to him)
They have this group chat on Viber and his phone keeps on beeping

I sensed something weird but I usually let it pass. I never checked his phone or messages. I never had the reason to.

However, this bond seemed to excessive between a Trainer and his class.

And so one day after coming home from work, I saw him in bed asleep and decided to check his phone once and for all. Yes there was a group chat. Until I checked this private conversation with a guy named Patrick.

My heart died with every scroll on the message thread.


I remembered him saying: "We have this two people that we teased until they finally admitted they liked each other..."

Little did I know he was referring to himself.

I took photos. Sent them to several people. Confronted him.

He didn't think I was serious. "Wala lang daw yun"

Until I told him I read the private chat he had with all the sweet nothings, the memories, and the agreement to wear a couple outfit.



Seth is sad.

and is still sad until now...

Throwback Monday : PR edition

1. Multivitamins (#8767426) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 11:19]

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Maganda ka sa likod tol, puede masilip ang taglay mong kagandahan.

2. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 11:22]

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hahaha

kaw walang pic

3. Multivitamins (#8767426) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 13:27]

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Hahaha wala nga akong pic pro ako naman ang best catch sa site na ito.

4. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 13:28]

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naks! ikaw na! hehehe

5. Multivitamins (#8767426) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 14:40]

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Cp no? Meet you tonight

6. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 14:41]

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got work at 10pm-7am i can only play during daytime

7. Multivitamins (#8767426) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 15:28]

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Ok, your loss, 8 inch long here, 2 inch ang lapad at gasantol ang bitlog

8. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 15:30]

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awww maybe next time.

baka di ko rin kayanin ganyan kalaki

thanks for your consideration

9. Multivitamins (#8767426) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 15:32]

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Ok bye, now or never. @ md/ceo guapo guy here, ciao.

10. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [13. Sep. 2011 - 15:33]

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TC :)


******

1. good-friend (#3997885) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:23]

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We got a looooong weekend ahead of us. That means you might have a lot

of free time. Ride me, will 'ya?

2. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:24]

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lemme see what ya got

3. good-friend (#3997885) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:25]

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6.5"

Good girth

4. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:27]

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cool

face or body pics?

5. good-friend (#3997885) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:29]

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Lemme see yours, too.

6. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:30]

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hmm not your best pic yet

7. good-friend (#3997885) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:33]

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Yeah. Well, cameras have never been good to me.

8. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [26. Aug. 2011 - 23:35]

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youre in a cocktail party looking.... constipated? hehehe

well maybe we can make you orgasmic

number?

******

1. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 01:51]

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parang gusto ko din mag comment sa guest list mo brod ah. marc here.

power top. san ka sa qc?

2. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:24]

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proj 3

3. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:25]

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what time later?

4. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:27]

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huh? may lakad ako eh

5. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:27]

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allright. kelan ba pwede?

6. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:29]

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hehe may pila kasi kaw ba kelan ka usually free?

game ka sa 3somes?

number mo?

7. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:31]

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sure. yours?

8. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:32]

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san ka banda sa project 3 brod?

9. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:32]

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dick size mo?

10. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:33]

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 st

11. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:33]

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weekends free ako starting friday midnight....

12. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:34]

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6 inches but energized and powerful

13. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:35]

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hahaha hanep sa adjectives

panindigan mo yan ha, powerbot ako

14. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:35]

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kelan?

15. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:37]

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hahaha then meet the powertop

16. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:38]

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we'll see about that

17. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:38]

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when?

18. Lightbolt (#8160439) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:39]

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sabihan kita

19. marcovallerosa (#6682810) - [20. Aug. 2011 - 04:41]

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hope this weekend...

The bottom who cried for justice

I am the kind of person who lives in a bubble. As much as possible I intentionally avoid listening to news and reading the paper as I easily get tired of the same violence and injustice happening in the world. However, these kinds of things still manage to permeate my bubble as I use social media.

So far, there had been two people that somehow piqued my interest : Jamich and Justin aka "the boy who cried books."

For the former, honestly I haven't seen or tried to watch their videos. They became popular under my nose and here is yet another couple with combined names. I wouldn't have been interested at all until I saw a "proposal video" done by Mich in the middle of a program by Bo Sanchez. What made it even more interesting was that Jam, was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I almost got convinced.

This was until I saw and heard about #iponparasaiphone wherein at the time, the iP6 was supposedly priced at 100k. What made it worse was that people actually donated and some sold their humble units to contribute money... and this is what they see? After a week later, they released a statement wherein "money has never been an issue." Insensitive pricks.

My friend Dan, also died of cancer early February. He looked so different from what I remembered. He hid from us during the entire ordeal. Yet, here is a couple smothering us with photos and videos and tweets of every minute detail of their lives. 

Eventually, the inevitable happened and Jam died. However, Mich couldn't even pretend to be a grieving "fiancee." Then I recalled, why didn't they ever get married? Wasn't there a couple in UP PGH where they arranged for a wedding and the husband died the same day? Then here comes Mich with a new "flame" barely a month after Jam's death. Some even postulated the affair had been going on long before. 

Famewhoring. 

Here comes the second dude "the boy who cried books." 

At first, ok... what's up with that. Until I read a Rappler article about him and found him more worthy of attention. So much attention that celebrities also joined in the bandwagon. It was until one night when I (thought) I saw him at Wensha Timog.

I was like whuuuuuut?! Not that he doesn't deserve to be there or anything but after learning so much about you and your aspirations you have money to spend on a spa? I decided to confront a "fan," a former officemate and still good friend named Carlo.

• Seth

  I wasn't able to take or ask for his photo. I think i just saw "the boy who cried books" here at Wensha Timog.
• Monday
• 

  3/30, 7:53pm

  Carlo
• Ay sayang!
• Tuesday
• 

  3/31, 1:24am

  Seth

  Pero akala ko ba poor at homeless sya?
• Tuesday
• 

  3/31, 6:57am

  Carlo 

  Ay no haha lumayas siya
• Tuesday
• 

  3/31, 9:57am

  Seth

  Yun nga pero bakit nasa kalsada and nakapambahay
• 

  3/31, 10:02am

  Carlo

  Nagbebenta siya ng books nagiipon for his tuition

  His mom "disowned" him daw and is no longer supporting him
• 

  3/31, 10:03am

  Seth

  I heard that story. Pero bakit sya nasa wensha? If ever sha nga yun. How is this any different from jamich pretending to be a grieving fiancee and just basking in the limelight
• 

  3/31, 10:04am

  Carlo

  Sana tinanong mo kung siya nga lol
• 

  3/31, 10:04am

  Seth

  Yun lang. Pero if that was him. Will that change your perception of him?
• 

  3/31, 10:04am

  Carlo

  Kung siya nga, baka may nanlibre or something

  Hindi lol
• 

  3/31, 10:06am

  Seth

  Im puzzled. Kasi sa akin, seeing a striving lawyer in a place quite expensive for his ordeal is kinda contradicting

  Yung context ba. It feels fake na tuloy for me.
• 

  3/31, 10:07am

  Carlo

  Sa FB page madaming nagrereach out to him. Maybe nilibre siya

  He's never put on an image naman na aping api siya

  He never said he's poor. Moneyless, yes, kasi nga he's no longer being supported

  So he's finding ways which led him to meet groups of people who are willing to help him or treat him out. Naging sort of "celeb"
• 

  3/31, 10:09am

  Seth

  But u do get what i mean. Parang yung jamich lang din na people donated money for his chemo then itong si kuya may hirit na ipon para sa iphone. Then they become defensive na money is not an issue.
• 

  3/31, 10:09am

  Carlo

  Hehe I don't see it that way

  Kasi yung libre iba naman yun

  Well kung nilibre nga siya

  We don't know naman what the real story is
• 

  3/31, 10:10am

  Seth

  Ok. Benefit of the doubt na lang talaga
• 

  3/31, 10:10am

  Carlo

  True. I don't see him kasi as namamalimos or kapos na kapos

  Just someone who's temporarily making ends meet by selling books

  Pero for sensationalism the media is portraying him as such
• 

  3/31, 10:14am

  Seth

  Kasi ito lang. So he has been bookish and all ever since pero he never achieved that fame and sympathy if he didnt end up on the streets. Filipinos tend to relate to an underdog kasi. Pero to which he's not. Ang packaging kasi sa kanya now eh parang aahon sa kahrapan thingy
• 

  3/31, 10:15am

  Carlo

  Yun na nga. But that's not his fault. He's always been transparent on his FB posts.

  Nakakasama niya pa sila Alessandra de Rossi lol
• 

  3/31, 10:15am

  Josh Asistin

  Sabagay. Marami lang nakikiride on dito

  Even yung nabalitang super summa cum laude ng UP noon. Di naman daw tshirt jeans saka tsinelas suot nya on a daily basis. Naka poloshirt and all. Presentable pero media wanted to play the angle "isko ng bayan"
• 

  3/31, 10:19am

  Carlo Rioflorido Yap

  Mahilig kasi magsensationalize media kaya we need to be discerning

  Parang yung pinortray ni Angel Locsin dati sa MMK na nabaliw

Moral of the story? 

Do not believe everything on the internet.